Bunch of Nutjobs
by Tomas the Betrayer
Summary: You'd be surprised how much you can get away with just with one well-placed kick.
1. Pansy and Neville

Pansy Parkinson kicked Neville Longbottom in the nuts.

When sent to the Headmaster's office to explain herself, she claimed it was because she had cast a curse on him that meant Neville would be safe from fatal harm so long as he received a savage smack to the family jewels from her at least once a day.

The truth of this matter could not be established one way or another, so after agreeing to receive a House point deduction for Slytherin every time she did so, Pansy was allowed to continue. Neville always sees her coming, but he has resolved to accept this as a stalwart Gryffindor. He also likes to tell fellow students that Pansy just can't get enough of touching his 'golden snitches'.

"Same time tomorrow, Longbottom?"

"Looking forward to it, Pansy!" he gasped with a triumphant grin while curled up on the floor in agony.

Many girls at Hogwarts now consider him to be one of the most eminently desirable boys in the whole student body.

**Author's Note: This fic is dedicated to Sacred Dust, whose story 'Perennial' was what gave me the inspiration to write it. Feel free to check out this work and others by the author!**


	2. James and Voldemort

James Potter kicked Lord Voldemort in the nuts.

This occurred in the early morning of October 31, 1981. Acting on a prophecy concerning Potter's son, and having secured the necessary means of entry from a certain backstabbing rodent, the former Tom Riddle entered the premises in explosive fashion ready to deal with any magical resistance in a fatal manner. Instead he found himself confronted by James Potter holding nothing more than a half-eaten crumpet and a cup of tea. Seeing his opponent with no wand or other magical paraphernalia to speak of, Voldemort naturally assumed that he had the upper hand in their confrontation.

He neglected to consider that he was faced with the most egregious juvenile offender to have ever graced the halls of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Wasting no time on pleasantries, Potter simply hauled off and delivered a swift boot to the scrotum that left the Dark Lord curled up in the fetal position.

As it so happens, Voldemort's wand took this altercation to mean Potter had triumphed over its master in an official magical duel, and as a result, switched its allegiance to James in accordance with his victory. Neither of the two men had any knowledge this had occurred, so when Voldemort then attempted to use the _Avada Kedavra_ spell against his attacker, the resulting backfire blew him into so many pieces the autopsy conclusion was 'random act of God' and 'you're so bloody smart, _you _try putting him back together!'

With new wand in hand, James Potter subsequently assumed control of the Death Eaters. He then proceeded to engage in a campaign of tyranny lasting two days, which included commanding half the Death Eaters to 'go Alohomora themselves' followed by a complete sack of Gringotts Bank 'just for the bloody hell of it'. This dark reign ended upon receiving a Howler from his wife which told him to 'knock off this silly business and come straight home before I give _you _a kick in the jimmies!'

The report that before leaving Potter fed a large rat to what many insisted was suspiciously similar to Minerva McGonagall in Animagus form cannot be confirmed.


	3. Rubeus and Gilderoy

Rubeus Hagrid kicked Gilderoy Lockhart in the nuts.

Witnesses all confirmed that this incident occurred when the current Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher approached the school groundskeeper and glibly asked if he had any 'hot monster girls' in his possession he might be inclined to part with for a suitable sum.

Several eyewitnesses also insisted that Hagrid's boot actually caught fire a moment before it connected with Lockhart's crotch, and that this combined with the staggeringly awesome power/speed behind the blow contributed to the world-famous celebrity exploding in a ball of flame. Upon being interrogated, it was revealed that Hagrid actually stood as godfather to no less than three teenage monster girls, those being a lamia, a harpy, and a centaur, and the thought of 'that slimy reptile' coming anywhere near his three precious god-babies left him so infuriated he could not be held accountable for his actions.

This revelation turned the court of public opinion decidedly in his favor, and any charges against Rubeus were summarily dismissed without prejudice. He is now the author of a very popular set of Japanese light novels dealing with the very same subject which led up to this unfortunate incident.

Hermione Granger is president of the novel's fan club at Hogwarts.


	4. This One's for the Girls

Hermione Granger kicked Albus Dumbledore in the nuts.

The unflattering event occurred during her sixth year at Hogwarts. At a certain point prior to the Headmaster's unfortunate passing, Miss Granger became suspicious that her schoolmate Harry Potter was secretly collaborating with Dumbledore and resolved to confront the Headmaster directly. In an uncharacteristic display of openness, Albus admitted to this much and more, going so far as to inform Miss Granger that he had been, reluctantly, engineering Harry as a trap/bait to rid the world of Voldemort. Also coming under discussion were certain actions (or in some cases, inactions) concerning the tragic death of Dumbledore's sister, his alliance with Severus Snape, and what some might perceive to be a longstanding habit of maneuvering others to handle issues which he himself did not wish to directly confront.

After hearing him out, Hermione considered the matter for a few moments and is reputed to have concluded that, regardless of how others might judge him, from a logical perspective nearly everything Dumbledore did could be excused. At least, when considering the enormity of the threats involved and his unwillingness to risk becoming an all-powerful overlord who decided things for the world based solely on his own extraordinary affinity for magic.

Miss Granger then stood up and stated, "But _this_ is for Ariana!" before connecting her foot with his nether regions in what a witness who happened to be flying by termed 'the most brilliant display of World Cup football this commentator has ever seen.'

It has been independently confirmed that at the precise moment of impact, every single Chocolate Frog Card in the world with Dumbledore's image on it froze in an expression of pinch-faced pucker-lipped distress 'like he was sucking on a lemon', to the confusion of their owners. They remain so to this day, and efforts to install a post-mortem magic portrait of the man himself in the Hogwarts Headmaster's office have yielded identical results.

The exact nature of this phenomenon remains a topic of scholarly discussion.


End file.
